Country people are always being told that they need to eat less, exercise more and visit the doctor for regular check-ups. 

That’s all very well but:

1. It’s cold here for much of the year and we have appetites as big as houses.

2. We take our lives in our hands when we run/cycle/walk along single-lane, 100kph roads.

3. Doctors in the country are thin on the ground (and also sometimes large in the tummy).

It’s not that we don’t get any exercise at all – we do. It comes in the form of watering the garden and the vegie patch, weeding, spreading mulch, turning compost, raking leaves, pruning, brushing paths, rushing out at daybreak to shout at Choughs and chasing Rosellas away from the cherry tree during every hour that God invented.

But it seems that isn’t enough to burn off a breakfast of porridge or muesli, toast and at least two cups of tea, followed by long stints of talking to the computer.

A cup of mid-morning coffee usually staves off peckishness but by lunchtime we’re starving and ready to pack away the carbs again. After lunch we work until five or six and at seven sit down to a big dinner.

A friend who lives in town once attended the local gym for a short time. He soon became bored with the routine and decided not to go back. When the gym owner sent him a letter, asking why he was no longer attending, he replied: ‘My wife thinks that I look like a Greek god and I don’t want to disappoint her.’

We hadn’t been living here for long when I visited the doctor for a routine check-up. I told her that I had osteo-arthritis in my knees. (In Sydney I attended yoga classes and exercised at the gym to keep my leg muscles in good shape to support my weakened knees.)

My doctor asked what I did for exercise. I told her that I walked every day, which was true, and I gardened. She then asked whether I walked up hills. In these parts you’d be hard pressed to walk anywhere there wasn’t a hill. Even our garden has hills. Yes, I replied, I walk up hills. I even had the thigh muscles to prove it. 

But that was then.

We often talk about getting up early to go for a walk. The weather for the last few days has been freezing and in the cold, grey light of early morning our resolve has crumbled. (We did stroll around the showground on Saturday, though. Surely that counts for something.)

When the weather’s warm, before the temperature rises and squadrons of flies search for landing strips, walking in the early morning is delightful. At that time of day, time-starved commuters have yet to hare into town. Kangaroos graze in paddocks while birds busy themselves singing and collecting food. The light is exquisite.

But the older I get, the longer I sleep. I know, I know… I’m missing the best part of the day, I’m sleeping my life away and I’m certainly not doing my arthritic knees any favours.

So in the interest of staving off immobility in later life, I bought an exercise bike via the internet.

In the country, buying anything via the internet is not as simple as it first appears. You place your order and days later the purchase has still not arrived. Anxious emails are despatched to someone at the supplier who puts you in touch with someone at the freight company who tells you that your consignment is still in Sydney. A week or two later, after your purchase has been delivered, the delivery van has driven off, and you’ve started to unpack the item, you discover that it’s smashed from having bounced over rough roads. It happened before, with a washing machine.

This time, a vital part of the exercise bike is broken. I’ve contacted the supplier and sent them photos of the damage and they’ve contacted me and asked for photos of the damage. In that order.

I suspect things will go on like this for another day or so. The supplier will organise to have the bike picked up and I’ll wait for another week before the van arrives to take it away. Then I’ll wait for another week for the replacement bike to be delivered. 

I’ve finally twigged that by purchasing something on the internet – rather than driving to the shops – any savings in carbon emissions are negated by the inevitable return of the damaged purchase, followed by the delivery of the replacement.  

While I wait, my clothes are getting smaller and I’m so anxious about another bike arriving smashed up that I’m eating far too much.

I’m just glad that I resisted the urge to buy that set of bathroom scales on the internet.